To be yourself...

I’m sure there are tons of times when you’ve wanted to be someone else. Have a different life, different face, different name, just different the same. There are times when you just want to erase everything that has happened, and hope you could make a fresh start to things. When was the last time that you wanted to be you?

It’s easy to be a critic, to want things to change, to make them better (or worse). There is no courage in change, no revolution. Change is the natural order of things. Going with the natural tendency is the universal law of the universe. It’s when you swim against the tide that things matter, isn’t it? Taken in context of yourself, the against will actually be going with who you are, confidently, and not wanting to change.

I’ve recently stopped wanting to change. I’ve always been sad, bummed, and all those synonyms for “not OK”, about the fact that I am how I am. I’ve not liked myself a lot in the past. I’m not saying that I like myself a whole lot now, but there are things that keep happening which tell me that maybe I’m not at fault as much as I think I am. That maybe I really am not a bad person, or screwed up. Maybe this is how things are meant to be. But then again, I’ve never been happy with the words “meant to be” :P

People speak the truth when they’re drunk. Higher cortical brain functioning is reduced because of the dizzyness, and the person (unless he’s really good at keeping control) cannot really control what he/she is saying or doing. They can think, but not control. So, when one is drunk, they actually say what comes from the heart. Atleast, that’s what I’ve done in the past … I’ve said the most amount of truth, done the most true–to–self things when I’ve been sloshed. Yesterday was one of those times when I wasn’t sloshed (I’ve stopped drinking, been sober about a month and a half), but a friend was. It was nice to hear how nice I was, and how things were just fucked up around me without any fault of mine. Well, it was tempting to just sit down and dwell in my own thoughts … but my friend needed someone to keep control of him, so didn’t think around too much. I did that after I got back to my room … and I realised that I’ve stopped doing one of the fundamental things that makes me, me. I’ve stopped thinking too much of the future, stopped analysing the people in my life, stopped caring about “what’s going to happen”.

There are so many things I’d like to be. But now I realise that there’s no challenge in becoming those, because it’s easy. It’s easy when you compare it to something that I should try and be. So, I’m forgetting all those things, and I’m going to try to become something many people are scared to be. Something many people just can never be.

I’m going to try and become me…