To be yourself...

I’m sure there are tons of times when you’ve wanted to be someone else. Have a different life, different face, different name, just different the same. There are times when you just want to erase everything that has happened, and hope you could make a fresh start to things. When was the last time that you wanted to be you?

It’s easy to be a critic, to want things to change, to make them better (or worse). There is no courage in change, no revolution. Change is the natural order of things. Going with the natural tendency is the universal law of the universe. It’s when you swim against the tide that things matter, isn’t it? Taken in context of yourself, the against will actually be going with who you are, confidently, and not wanting to change.

I’ve recently stopped wanting to change. I’ve always been sad, bummed, and all those synonyms for “not OK”, about the fact that I am how I am. I’ve not liked myself a lot in the past. I’m not saying that I like myself a whole lot now, but there are things that keep happening which tell me that maybe I’m not at fault as much as I think I am. That maybe I really am not a bad person, or screwed up. Maybe this is how things are meant to be. But then again, I’ve never been happy with the words “meant to be” :P

People speak the truth when they’re drunk. Higher cortical brain functioning is reduced because of the dizzyness, and the person (unless he’s really good at keeping control) cannot really control what he/she is saying or doing. They can think, but not control. So, when one is drunk, they actually say what comes from the heart. Atleast, that’s what I’ve done in the past … I’ve said the most amount of truth, done the most true–to–self things when I’ve been sloshed. Yesterday was one of those times when I wasn’t sloshed (I’ve stopped drinking, been sober about a month and a half), but a friend was. It was nice to hear how nice I was, and how things were just fucked up around me without any fault of mine. Well, it was tempting to just sit down and dwell in my own thoughts … but my friend needed someone to keep control of him, so didn’t think around too much. I did that after I got back to my room … and I realised that I’ve stopped doing one of the fundamental things that makes me, me. I’ve stopped thinking too much of the future, stopped analysing the people in my life, stopped caring about “what’s going to happen”.

There are so many things I’d like to be. But now I realise that there’s no challenge in becoming those, because it’s easy. It’s easy when you compare it to something that I should try and be. So, I’m forgetting all those things, and I’m going to try to become something many people are scared to be. Something many people just can never be.

I’m going to try and become me…

Long long hair: My attempts at a rock star look ...

Ever since I came to college, I’ve had a haircut just once. It was barely a haircut, more of a trim on the sides and at the back … ‘cuz Baba (father, for all my non Indian readers) wanted me to get it cut. He can’t stand long hair, having minuscule hair himself. So, since I was home and didn’t want to tick him off, I went and got it ‘trimmed’. Now, it’s been almost 6 months since then, and my hair has been growing rather rampant. It’s reached a length where anything at eye–level is a little hard to see immediately when I look up.

I have to constantly set it aside or tuck it behind my ear, but bloody dense thick hair. Refuses to budge from it’s natural growth position, and hence, lands up in front of my eyes pretty much every 5–6 minutes. EG lessons can be the biggest pain, since I have to bend down. Hence, everytime I look up, all I see is hair. My freakin’ 20 cms long hair! (all values expressed here are approximate).

I seriously envy people whose hair grows more towards the back, so that they naturally fall backwards instead of coming in front of their eyes.

The rockstar look

Most of the rock bands have long hair (Pearl Jam!!), and I must admit, since I play the guitar, listen to nothing–but–rock, dress up grunge … it’s not too hard to see where I get the ‘want’ to have long hair from. I could end up like Stockdale, but nah! That’s not my style. I’m more of an Eddie kinda guy.

Ofcourse, this is kind of a contradiction, since the Rock movement doesn’t believe in stereotypes and doesn’t care about rules or traditions. It doesn’t care about order or a ‘grand–design’. All we (‘the’ rockers) care about is that we enjoy ourselves while doing what we want to do. So, caring about looks shouldn’t be in the picture. But I’m a little weird that way! I believe everybody should look good (‘good’ being relative here), no matter what they believe or do.

Weather in this country doesn’t help having long hair either, with the sun beaming down at you at any given time of the day. Long hair just works to provide a natural cap and shade from the sunlight, but then you start to feel hot in the head. Girls will know the feeling. You can’t begin to imagine the feeling if you have short hair. No no … believe me, you can’t!

Plus, the whole ‘weight’ factor. All that hair ‘will’ add some weight now, wouldn’t it? I still remember the last time I tried to grow my hair, and Baba got it cut properly (he actually came with me to the barber’s I think), I actually felt relief since my head felt lighter. ‘Much’ lighter! I’ve almost forgotten the feeling…

So, why do I still have long hair at the end of the road, when I am (very visibly, I should say) not comfortable with it? Because I like it. I like having long hair, and not looking like a freakin’ tomato when I walk out the door. I like having long hair because it adds a little something to the face. A clean–shaven, trimmed hair look is for executives who are going to go for interviews. Long hair adds in a little element of attitude. I don’t know exactly what that attitude says, but you always notice a guy with long hair amongst many.

It might sound lame, but I like my hair! :)

Compromising for self preservation

There are different kinds of people on earth. Some are compatible, some are not. Although I have always held that notion wrong, it might be true in some part if more than a billion people believe in it. When you see that you are pretty much incompatible with a lot of people, what do you do? Do you take refuge in the cover of fate, and tell yourself that this is how things are meant to be? Or do you try to find out the reason? What if you find the reason that there is something wrong with you … or maybe you find out that there is nothing wrong with you?

Do you ever try to compromise on your wants and needs from the people around you, for the fear that you might not have anyone left if you keep your ‘wants’ up? Do you try to like people for the fear that there might not be anyone else? Do you ‘make do’ with what you have or do you try to change situations? Are you active or reactive in your social life? But bigger than that … is if you’re happy in your circle.

Are you just trying to get along for the fear of having to find new people all over again, meeting strangers, getting to know them, telling them about you? Are you afraid of putting all that effort again, and rather just carry on instead of trying to get any kind of fulfilment from it all? Isn’t that what your social life is supposed to do – help you relax? Give your opinions and thoughts an outlet?

Anyway, I don’t have much right to talk about outlets and social lives, and maybe even social mannerisms. I don’t have a social life, which is why this blog exists as a repository of my thoughts and opinions for anyone who might want to read. But I’d like to ask anyone reading this to do one thing. Do not ‘go on’ with people just because you don’t want to make the effort of finding real friends again. Believe me, the ‘real’ friends exist … there are people for everyone. It’s just upto you to find them. And you never find anything unless you keep on looking…