Compromising for self preservation

There are different kinds of people on earth. Some are compatible, some are not. Although I have always held that notion wrong, it might be true in some part if more than a billion people believe in it. When you see that you are pretty much incompatible with a lot of people, what do you do? Do you take refuge in the cover of fate, and tell yourself that this is how things are meant to be? Or do you try to find out the reason? What if you find the reason that there is something wrong with you … or maybe you find out that there is nothing wrong with you?

Do you ever try to compromise on your wants and needs from the people around you, for the fear that you might not have anyone left if you keep your ‘wants’ up? Do you try to like people for the fear that there might not be anyone else? Do you ‘make do’ with what you have or do you try to change situations? Are you active or reactive in your social life? But bigger than that … is if you’re happy in your circle.

Are you just trying to get along for the fear of having to find new people all over again, meeting strangers, getting to know them, telling them about you? Are you afraid of putting all that effort again, and rather just carry on instead of trying to get any kind of fulfilment from it all? Isn’t that what your social life is supposed to do – help you relax? Give your opinions and thoughts an outlet?

Anyway, I don’t have much right to talk about outlets and social lives, and maybe even social mannerisms. I don’t have a social life, which is why this blog exists as a repository of my thoughts and opinions for anyone who might want to read. But I’d like to ask anyone reading this to do one thing. Do not ‘go on’ with people just because you don’t want to make the effort of finding real friends again. Believe me, the ‘real’ friends exist … there are people for everyone. It’s just upto you to find them. And you never find anything unless you keep on looking…

Better man

Showing oneself for what you are is probably a mistake today. Sometimes, it’s better to be hidden … it’s better to not let people know what you are like, what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, what you mean, what you’re feeling. When no one knows what you are like, you can easily “not care” about them and not let them get involved or (un)intentionally hurt you. This would also isolate your ass on earth, but hey, what doesn’t have a side-effect?

I’ve reached a simple conclusion. You might have heard it from other people … I did too, but never believed them. After all, if I started believing everything I heard, I wouldn’t be what I am today (that isn’t necessarily a good thing). Anyway, so the thing is that, “love” comes to you when you stop looking for it. Apparently.

My question to that however is, how do you know when you’re not looking for love? Do you look at a girl and think ‘What should I have for lunch today?’ Is that how? I personally look at someone of the opposite sex, and the first thought that crosses my mind is whether she has a pleasant face or an air, a balanced stance or a whatever–is–comfortable one, clothes she can carry off or wearing to look “cool” and in with her surroundings. Every little detail gives away a part of one’s personality, but only if you know what to infer out of an observation. I’ve been lately missing the mark however.

If there was a way to elevate yourself above the earth, just disappear from everywhere, without leaving a single trace of your existence … what you take it? Do you consider yourself valuable to this planet, to the people who you know (and who know you), to your surroundings? With how much certainty can you say how many people in your life actually value you? I suck at that too … and for that reason I’ve been taken in by people I shouldn’t have, and not cared enough for the people I should have. I have somehow been the worst judge of character, person, personality and actions for about 20% of the time in the past, which has magnified and still affects my daily life.

I want to change it all, and try and become a better person. One free from prejudice, hate and vengeful thoughts. I know that it’s very hard to do, and if I achieve that, I’ll reach the so–called stage of “enlightenment”. I evidently don’t believe in that, but I do believe that achieving something of that nature will make me a person more at peace with things around him. I’ll be able to not dwell in so much of theory, and apply myself even more practically.

I somehow hear a tiny voice in my head jeering “High Hopes!”

RHCP and the push

There is something beautifully pushy to see genius at work. When you see a pianist's flying fingers on keys, you wish you could play like him. A guitarist flying fingers on a fretboard, you wish you could that. Some of us go ahead and try to do it. That is what made me pick up the guitar. Well, almost. I had always loved the sound of the strings being plucked and strummed, but then when I started listening to proper rock (around the age of 12-13), I could no longer play my favourite songs (because I played the piano and only that). So hearing such passionate songs, watching energetic videos pushed me finally take up the guitar and start playing.

Now when I watch a video like Dani California, I feel the same push to improve by leaps and bounds in short amounts of time, just so that I can perform like RHCP, an play with the life and vigour of Frusciante. I am not talking about the whole video, but the end when they show up as themselves, and they're just having an amazing time on the stage. I wish I had a band and could do that.

Unfortunately, it's hard to find people with the drive or the enthusiasm I have. Skills can be learnt, but enthusiasm is something you either have or don't. I am not going to try and sell the idea of being in a band to anyone. If they don't want to be in one, they'll not do justice if they're put in one. But it just sucks not to be on stage. I am too used to it. The rush of having hundreds or thousands people looking at you, and shouting with you ... it's like no alcohol or drug could give you. I talk from experience.

Being a shy guy, I ofcourse am nervous before every performance (I've given more than 10 of them), but when I'm on the stage, a spine warming flow washes over and I just shiver once, and then it's gone.

I think I'm gonna have work overtime now to find people and get back on stage.

'Game time!'

Waking up to a new morning everyday

Sometimes I wonder how it'd feel to not wake up to sun shining in the sky. What it'd feel like to go to sleep, and wake up with no time having passed. You wake up at the same time you slept, and yet feel nice and relaxed. What if when you woke up tomorrow, it wasn't tomorrow, but today...?

Would we keep sleeping knowing we can resume life where it got paused when we went to sleep? Will we value time anymore? Will we care about deadlines, or time limits? Will we get hassled and try to pull out all nighters before exams or assignments being due? I seriously believe we will. And I also think, that would be the single greatest gift one could give humanity. The gift of time.

It's the only thing that we're constantly running out of, without realising it. If there was a way man could be given more time, things would become more relaxed, efficient. Or, if put in the wrong hands, things would become slower, and worse. Completely depends on who gets it. A gift in the wrong hands can too become a curse...!

I could surely do with time at the moment. I have my end of semester examinations in 2 weeks, and I have yet to begin to study. Studying isn't the problem, it is continuing it once one starts. Having tons of distractions, and everything interesting except the text book doesn't help one's purpose at that time. Getting more time would allow one to finish with the distractions, and then start with the books again. You could argue that distractions will never cease to exist, and those who want to study, would study through all the distractions. I'd rather not argue back.

I still wish to wake up one morning not to the sun in the sky.....