Better man

Showing oneself for what you are is probably a mistake today. Sometimes, it’s better to be hidden … it’s better to not let people know what you are like, what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, what you mean, what you’re feeling. When no one knows what you are like, you can easily “not care” about them and not let them get involved or (un)intentionally hurt you. This would also isolate your ass on earth, but hey, what doesn’t have a side-effect?

I’ve reached a simple conclusion. You might have heard it from other people … I did too, but never believed them. After all, if I started believing everything I heard, I wouldn’t be what I am today (that isn’t necessarily a good thing). Anyway, so the thing is that, “love” comes to you when you stop looking for it. Apparently.

My question to that however is, how do you know when you’re not looking for love? Do you look at a girl and think ‘What should I have for lunch today?’ Is that how? I personally look at someone of the opposite sex, and the first thought that crosses my mind is whether she has a pleasant face or an air, a balanced stance or a whatever–is–comfortable one, clothes she can carry off or wearing to look “cool” and in with her surroundings. Every little detail gives away a part of one’s personality, but only if you know what to infer out of an observation. I’ve been lately missing the mark however.

If there was a way to elevate yourself above the earth, just disappear from everywhere, without leaving a single trace of your existence … what you take it? Do you consider yourself valuable to this planet, to the people who you know (and who know you), to your surroundings? With how much certainty can you say how many people in your life actually value you? I suck at that too … and for that reason I’ve been taken in by people I shouldn’t have, and not cared enough for the people I should have. I have somehow been the worst judge of character, person, personality and actions for about 20% of the time in the past, which has magnified and still affects my daily life.

I want to change it all, and try and become a better person. One free from prejudice, hate and vengeful thoughts. I know that it’s very hard to do, and if I achieve that, I’ll reach the so–called stage of “enlightenment”. I evidently don’t believe in that, but I do believe that achieving something of that nature will make me a person more at peace with things around him. I’ll be able to not dwell in so much of theory, and apply myself even more practically.

I somehow hear a tiny voice in my head jeering “High Hopes!”