Fuck the pain

Backlashes are never a good thing. They bring back too many memories that I don't want to remember. It could be a song, a situation, a word, a phrase, or just a fleeting flashback which kills you slowly every second that you see it. It's so real that you could touch it if you just raised your hand and reached out, but you can't even move from the grief that grips you. I've yet to have a positive epiphany.

I've never been in a situation which made me sad, so it's always situations which involve that one person who unfortunately still sticks around in my head. It's too long and painful for me to iterate everything. Just know that it wasn't pretty, and wasn't something I'm proud of. The main grief being that there were so many things I could have done differently, felt differently, and I wonder if I could have ended up differently.

My reality distortion kicks in more and more every time I get this epiphany, and I can't help but drown. Ever felt like just letting yourself go in the flow, not trying to do anything about it, and see how far you go before everything stops or you come back to normal? I've tried that many times, and come out surprised at how numb it makes me to others problems if they try to tell me about it. Really, who could have a bigger brain wreck than me.

This is probably also the reason why I don't like to keep my mind idle, because the more time it gets to itself, the more it starts to dig into past memories which I don't want it to open up again. Stupid brain.