Just wanna give up and move on. I feel like I am doing something I shouldn't be, and wasting my time which I could spend doing something I should, and want to. It's just so very irritating, that suddenly I seem to have lost all focus and orientation as to what I am doing in life, and why I'm here. Who my friends are, who are the people I care about, and who care about me. It's like putting an ant on a huge and shiny glass topped table.
It can do nothing but see itself, and an endless span of white. Where does it go? What does it look for? How does it get away from there? Imagine yourself to be in that position, and maybe you'll get what I'm feeling.
I haven't played the guitar in a month now, and spend most of my time coding up pretty worthless stuff. I want to be involved with something big, which I know will make a difference to people. I want to invent something, make something unique that no-one ever tried to do, or thought could be done. I want to do something of consequence, so that I can show the people who've spit on my tracks that I am something, because I am something. I'm more than this... More than what I'm given credit for, more than what people see me as.
I feel it catching up to me again ... This little thing called life. Ughh how I hate it!!
I just finished watching it, and curse my hopes and expectations from a book-movie! But heck, this one was worse than The Goblet of Fire (which was a disaster!). The movie was so rushed, it felt like I was flipping through the pages of the book while my fingers were on fire. Plus, so many parts of the story had been changed, they might as well have put 'based on' in the credits lineup. It was pathetic!
Brom never got killed by Durza! Please! Brom could have taken him on anyday..! Murtagh's personality characteristics of being arrogant, suspicious and at-first-meeting untrustworthy never came out! He seemed to eager to take Eragon to the Varden, you'd assume they had a huge candy waiting for him when he reached! If the director didn't estabilish the deepness of Eragon and Murtaghs relationship, how does he plan to show the mourning at his loss, and then the confusion and anger at his return as the enemy in the second movie? The only relation they've (Eragon and Murtagh) had is that M saved E's life ... what about the sparring after Brom died? What about the constant chase... the questions E used to put to M all the time, wanting to trust him but M's nature keeping him at bay?
Ok, enough about them. What about Arya? She recovered so quickly even the elves would have been proud! She even aided in the battle in full strength! That's just pathetic.. and what happened to Eragon beginning to like Arya, and showing signs of it? 'Fit for battle' my arse! He told her she look beautiful, and Saphira had sensed that. Speaking of which, who knows their name right from birth? A Dragon! That's who! Make sense? If you've read the book, you'd know that Eragon named Saphira after Brom's dragon. That was never estabilished, as Saphira so proudly announced her name to Eragon, as if she's always been there, and he's the new guy. Christ! What was the director thinking?
The Varden were shown for all of 5 minutes, with no existence of the Twins, or the relationship Eragon forms with the dwarf (I don't remember his name, and they don't mention it in the movie either). I have no clue what hell the movie was about. If I hadn't read the book, it would have been worse! How you can you turn a 300+ page book into a movie of just an hour and a half? Lord Of The Rings took up 4 hours (uncut) to make it amazing and Goblet Of Fire took 3 hours, and still messed it up. Eragon could have never been made under 2 and a half hours, atleast! The director was on crack! I'm telling you ....
Anyway, I'm glad I didn't waste my money going to the theatre and trying to be first in line or some other ballyoo! It was pathetic enough for a download, forget paying 150 bucks for it for the theatre! I'm outy!
I don't like to laugh too much
I don't like to cry too much
I don't like to play too much
I don't like to work too much
I don't like to idle too much
I don't like to think too much
I don't like to enjoy too much
I don't like to sit too much
I don't like to stand too much
I don't like to walk too much
I don't like to run too much
I don't like to be outdoors too much
I don't like to be indoors too much
I don't like to sleep too much
I don't like to work too much
I don't like to read too much
I don't like to talk too much
I don't like to listen too much
I don't like to repeat too much
I don't like to nag too much
I don't like to joke too much
I don't like to hang out too much
I don't like to waste time too much
I don't like to chill too much
I don't like to get stressed too much
I don't like to love too much
I don't like to hate too much
I don't like to waste too much
I don't like to argue too much
I don't like to agree too much
I don't like to encourage too much
I don't like to discourage too much
I don't like to be real too much
I don't like to dream too much
I don't like to like too much
You know what ...?
I don't like me too much ....
Why I remembered this, I don't know. What I achieved? No clue! I just know that this happened about 2 years back, and it still puts a smile on my face whenever I think about it, even if not that clearly. I remembered this today morning, trying to sleep at 5:30 AM ... Yep! I seriously need some sleep! Any ways....
During our 2 week stay at Melbourne, we had gone to the city once to just have a look around and shop for things to take home. We went bananas the whole day, and came back pretty late in the evening. Way past dinner time (which used to be at 6 PM, so...). While there, it was common to see individual groups walking along with the random burst of laughter every now and then. Udit and I used to pretty much go in and out of different groups, him being the outgoing get-along-with-everyone type, and I being the don't-want-to-be-alone-to-I'll-tag-along type (at that time). When this happened, we were in pretty illustrious company of girls who were considered the 'it' girls (the ones all guys drooled over). That has nothing to do with this however.
We were just talking about stuff, and for some reason I started singing. I don't remember the exact reason, but the song was 'Pal'. For one of the few times, I wasn't conscious or nervous. I just started singing (I'm sure there'd have been a reason, damn it escapes me now), and suddenly I felt the night becoming quiet, with just my voice to show the existence of people. I could feel huddling closer to listen to me sing, and I started getting a little jittery, but I continued in the flow of the song. I forgot a few words, but I still continued (angrez hain, unko kya samajh aayega!)
By the time the song ended, we had reached campus. A lot of people came and told me I sang really well, and Bridget (Udit's first love) came and told me she could feel the love in my voice (whatever that meant)... It sure felt nice :)
That was a good good evening....
I am not on the quest to seek the answer for life, but it is sometimes in melancholic moments that you begin to think of life without what you have at that moment. If you're placed in a completely different place, situation or (theoretical physics people!) dimension ... How will you deal with it? How do you normally deal with new places, people and events/incidents?
What is the meaning of one's life? Their role in this world? Their job, work? How do you know that what you're living is what you're
meant to live? Who decides what you're
meant to do? There's no god (Yea yea! Don't start), and there is no higher power. Whatever exists is in front of you, surrounding you and observable, feel-able. There is a spoon, and there is no slow motion bullet dodging. This is life people, and I guess it's high time we all woke up to it.
Only a handful of people have managed to live a
full life (whatever
that is!), and I think the only reason for that is that all the other idiots had no clue what to do with their life. They either idled away, or are idling away. How do you know you weren't
meant to idle away your life?
I need to get some sleep...
Edit: Here's someone I think found the meaning of his life:
We as children (I'm not one anymore, but still, would like to think of myself as one) tend to forget the role our parents have played in our lives. They have been there with us since the time we came into this world (actually, even before that!), and have taken all steps, cares and precautions to make sure we have a good and comfortable upbringing. I'm talking about normal homes ofcourse. Why then do we forget them? Is it because we think we know more and better than them?
I was just sitting and these little flashes of images came which reminded me how my parents took pains to make sure I was happy, and went way out of their way to give me what I needed/wanted. No one except parents would do that, and still, there are times when I forget to call them and ask them how they are. They'd be thinking about me, about how I am and how I'm doing atleast twice the amount of times I have thought of calling them up. I feel guilty sometimes, but I know that it has got nothing to do with just me or a few people. As we learn in psychology, it's a psychological phase that we all go through where the independence from the people we've been with all our lives tends to liberate our minds to the limit that we (unconsciously) don't think in their direction.
But that is still not an excuse. We are responsible for our parents after a certain point of time, role reversals you can say. I don't know if this feeling will actually go away (as the textbooks say), or it might persist. I really don't want it to stay, because my parents are very important to me. They are literally my last line of hope when everything else fails. The comforting fact that I can go to them with any thing that I might be facing will always be associated with just them, no one else. Because no one else can, honestly, be trusted to that level.
My saving graces, and angels, are truly my parents. My angels in this life.
Sometimes I wonder how it'd feel to not wake up to sun shining in the sky. What it'd feel like to go to sleep, and wake up with no time having passed. You wake up at the same time you slept, and yet feel nice and relaxed. What if when you woke up tomorrow, it wasn't tomorrow, but today...?
Would we keep sleeping knowing we can resume life where it got paused when we went to sleep? Will we value time anymore? Will we care about deadlines, or time limits? Will we get hassled and try to pull out all nighters before exams or assignments being due? I seriously believe we will. And I also think, that would be the single greatest gift one could give humanity. The gift of time.
It's the only thing that we're constantly running out of, without realising it. If there was a way man could be given more time, things would become more relaxed, efficient. Or, if put in the wrong hands, things would become slower, and worse. Completely depends on who gets it. A gift in the wrong hands can too become a curse...!
I could surely do with time at the moment. I have my end of semester examinations in 2 weeks, and I have yet to begin to study. Studying isn't the problem, it is continuing it once one starts. Having tons of distractions, and everything interesting except the text book doesn't help one's purpose at that time. Getting more time would allow one to finish with the distractions, and then start with the books again. You could argue that distractions will never cease to exist, and those who want to study, would study through all the distractions. I'd rather not argue back.
I still wish to wake up one morning not to the sun in the sky.....
Recently, I've realised that I find a weird kind of relaxation whenever I apply my brain to do something which others would find useless dabble. I just spent about 4-5 hours trying to get a bit of code to work (the Now Playing widget on the right) and for those hours, I realise now that I had forgotten all my miseries and things that have been bothering me the past few days. I guess I know now how to get myself to calm down.
There is always a way to calm down and get your mind to relax in a lot of situations. Sometimes we just choose not to see them, because it's easier to drown yourself in self-pity and let it pass, rather than make an effort to bring yourself out of your pit and start walking again. It's easy to ask for a hand, which you should, but only when your own attempts to get up fail. That way, you'll learn how to be independent because sooner or later, you'll face a situation where you're alone.
But coming back to the topic, this discovery changes a few things. I know what works to distract my attention and take it away from the things that I shouldn't be thinking about over and over again. Who wants to think about bad things anyway ...?
Have you found your way of driving away the blues?
I don't know if you've realised or not, but sometimes the human mind just decides to go dud in the middle of a trauma or a crisis. It just doesn't respond to anything you try and do, and hence you start to feel bored, or you realise that you can't concentrate on anything you're doing. Nothing feels good anymore, and no matter what, you can't engage yourself in anything long enough to start to enjoy it.
It's a strange phenomenon which makes you go from bad to worse when you need to bring yourself up and running. Strange are the ways... That is the time in which I believe you should not isolate yourself because you feel nothing is good. Isolation has never been the solution for anything, and never will be. You will not be called selfless or brave if you do so either. Simply, you have
nothing to gain by doing this. Instead, seek the help of your supports, because they are there for a reason. In psychology we learn the various resources a person undergoing stress can call upon, and at the top of the list comes other people or the 'supports'. They are there to give you a different perspective, one you need to see because when you are miserable, you don't see the happier or better side of anything. Everything seems pointless and worthless (this state shouldn't be mixed up with depression, that's a different thing).
Why am I going through such discussions? Well, partly because I have been through some stress the past few days, with a lot happening in my personal and college life. Things have changed over night and they have thrown things into disarray. I have been disoriented, melancholic and pretty miserable the past few days, which is also the reason I haven't been posting as regularly on
The Last Word.
But as they say, everybody's pain is there own, and they should go through it so that they can come out better and wiser. I hope what they is true...
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